Ackbar would be proud.
So we get some intel that there’s a hostile Rifter en route to Hemin, possibly scouting a pod. We’re preparing for a fleet (having just returned from a different roam), but we figure, hey, extra kill, right? A few of us snuff out our post-coital cigarettes and proceed to the appropriate gate. Rifter escapes, as the phallic Minmatar inter-constellation gates are not friendly to interdictor bubbles, and we think nothing else of it. We do note, however, that this particular pilot has followed us home from the previous roam, ostensibly to bask in something he doesn’t see much – victory.
Our fifteen-man battlecruiser fleet heads out on the never-ending search for Face-Raping, complete with our Scorched Earth Rifter Escort, who probably thinks he’s leading us into the maw of our untimely demise. We make some half-assed attempts to catch the guy (Ashen Darksabre, whose hobbies include sipping clamato out of brandy snifters and cutting himself to Papa Roach albums), but his hull is slick with the viscous seed of other men, and he eludes us. Hopefully he realized we were already heading toward Wicked Creek without his help when I (the scout) passed him.
Upon entering F-QQ5N, I find an eighteen-man Scorched Earth gang ammassed on the gate. Their bubbling amuses me as I decloak well out of the warp disruption zone and wander away, unmolested. The buffet of ships includes a Nidhoggur and a Nighthawk, which immediately tighten the pants of many a BOZO. For now, our Rifter pilot, who is probably pleasuring himself with hot wax and a hamster at the thought of delivering unwary prey into the waiting hands of his fleet, is nowhere to be found.
A few more Scorched Earth appear in local, and the number finally tops out at 23. Not the worst odds we’ve engaged, by far. Our FC makes the call. We jump in, only to have this totally brand-new, never-before-seen, staggeringly ingenious block of text greet us in Local:
Destrim >
╔╗╔═╦╗
║╚╣║║╚╗
╚═╩═╩═╝╦╦╔╗ ╔╗ ╦╔╗╔╗╔╗
║║╚╗ ╠╣ ║╠╣╠╣╠╝
╩║╚╝ ║║ ║║╚║║║
I try to avoid creaming my panties upon catching sight of this incredibly original and rarely-seen high-sec import.
Begin PVP. We manage to take down a number of ships, and considering how heavy Scorched Earth was rolling, we should’ve been easily decimated. Many of our Drakes escaped unscathed, despite Scorched Earth’s bubbling, neuting, ganking efforts. Battle Summary for F-QQ5N, 05:25 – 05:33.
Speaking of gank, after my Claw was neuted and popped, I found my pod targeted by an Armageddon. Regardless, I managed to motor out of the bubble at a whopping 170 m/s and warp away. I hope the stupidity of targeting a pod when there are still battlecruisers trying to teabag you, not to mention the incredible impotence of failing to actually POP said capsule, is not lost on my dear readers.
More hilarity in Local at the end of the fight:
Hatch > gf
Minmarius > gf
DeAngelica > gf
Ashen Darksabre > untarget m!
Apparently our wayward Rifter pilot jumped into what was previously the fray a bit late, and found himself targeted by his own corpmates. Wouldn’t want to actually be IN the fight, would we? Perhaps he was supposed to be on the field, assisting with tackle, instead of rubbing one out at the thought of finally being permitted to use the kneepads when orally satisfying his FC. Or perhaps Scorched Earth just uses the default overview settings – another fine high-sec import. It’s been a good year.
I’m still amused by the number of enemies we have who feel they need command/capital ships to defeat us, even when they already outnumber us. Scorched Earth runs at the sight of a BOZO gang with numbers equal to its own, although we’ve done them the courtesy of intentionally entering dead-end systems and waiting for them to assemble a bigger fleet, just to get a fight out of them. What can I say? It’s hard to PVP with people who run away from you. We have to make ourselves look creamy and supple, like an eight-year-old’s thigh, to entice a battle.
I look forward to our next engagement with Scorched Earth. Their cowardice and general ineptness always manage to brighten my day.
Posted on February 24th, 2009 at 19:30
I had to laugh at the “Its a Trap” comment, it made perfect sense to their limited minds that, having our scout in the same system as their gate camp for 5 minutes prior to our fleet jumping in somehow equated to it being a surprise to us.
The fun part for us really, in that when a larger force like TCF up and leaves a whole region overnight is that the vacuum it creates pulls in all sorts of unprepared, unskilled, untalented, and unimpressive high-sec anal leakage like Scorched Earth, groups using tactics that are predictable while they try to talk the talk and stroke themselves into a overly confident froth because they think they understand The PvP.
Like that previous battle in M-M where we waited in a dead end system for close to 30 minutes while our scouts more than 2 jumps out kept reporting Burnt Soil ship types and numbers. Then, when they finally had a 2:1 advantage over us they decided to grow some balls and engage us and we still pulled a win out of it isk wise. But even with all the bullshit we waited for them to bring, their biggest complaint was, we had too many falcons and that we were stupid for, get this, ‘trapping ourselves’ in there.
Battle Summary for M-MBRT, 03:27 – 03:48
Posted on February 25th, 2009 at 05:27
thank you thank you, to everyone who made this possible
Posted on February 25th, 2009 at 07:02
The guy was likely targeted by friendlies for remote repping, being a noob he probably didn’t understand what was going on. Every alliance has its noobs.
Personally I like fighting you guys, always guaranteed some action.
Is Dahk Nohr still around he helped me out when I was a noob myself back when a lot of you guys were in Aonyma.
Posted on February 26th, 2009 at 19:39
Zindel…go fuck yourself.
As for Dahk, we ate him. He did say he didn’t like you at all and that he fucked your mother before we killed him though.
Posted on February 27th, 2009 at 02:44
Same thing kinda thing happened on a roam BlackRain did a little while back (albeit with a different outcome, because they trickled in pretty slowly)… was a dead-end system and we jumped in there to find a carrier sitting off the gate, a nighthawk about 70-80km off, etc. The nighthawk was the tard in local saying “lol its a trap” and he ended up getting popped. I thought that it was the scorched earth idiots… but I could be wrong. Either way it’s pretty funny that the tards actually thought they had sprung a trap on us (in both instances.)
Posted on February 27th, 2009 at 08:37
Yes, I love those remote-rep Rifters…
Posted on March 2nd, 2009 at 06:12
Wow, what a great story. Seems like this alliance is full of the people I beat up in high school. Lots of 40 year old virgins whacking it in their mommy’s basement. Go easy on the Ramen, fags
Posted on March 3rd, 2009 at 00:53
And we tell every story with 100% accuracy. Speaking of stories, perhaps a member of sc0rched earth could explain why they ran from 22 of us when they had 90 in local. Or is that another perfect example of the high level of fear and anxiety sc0rched earth feels when they see one of us enter local that they would prefer NOT to have on the record?
It pleases us to hear the cries of frustration and anger… your tears sustain us. More please
Posted on March 3rd, 2009 at 01:41
LOL…everyone’s a tough guy on the internet. Come beat me up scary internet guy named ‘Gerbil’.
You must be the tough guy from highschool that is probably doing some fucked up meaningless job now.
I bet these ring a bell:
Would you like fries with that, ma’am?
Fancy a second coat of wax on your car sir?
I would be more than happy to fetch your car for you sir!
Posted on March 3rd, 2009 at 18:17
I was thinking that he’s more of the ‘tapping his foot under the stall and blowing other men in public restrooms for money’ kind of guy
Posted on March 6th, 2009 at 07:23
Teister, your gravatar makes me wish I could remember my account password.
Posted on April 21st, 2009 at 06:51
See my “website.”
Yeah. BYRN is pretty much full of arrogant, pompous, self strok–I mean, confident bastards. I hope Aggro. runs them down.
Great story, though.
Love,
A soon to be ex-BYRN member