Yes, we love the BOZOKast. A question we always get is “What do you think about the other EVE podcasts?” Obviously we feel BOZOKast is the fucking best because if wer thought there was one as good or better, we wouldn’t waste our time doing our own. But mainly we don’t talk about others we like because it is so much easier and funner to talk about stuff you hate. So for all those asking, here is a completely unbiased BOZO rating of other EVE podcasts.

To set this up. I really really want to like other EVE podcasts. Today I decided to load up the MP3 player with the slew of of EVE podcasts that are out there (including ours) and listen to two episodes of every one and post a small review on our site and how they stack up directly against our podcast.

To keep this as unbiased and fair as possible, I loaded up two episodes of of each podcast. From the middle portion of a random season. I kept them paired together and made a podcast play list and I forced myself to listen to each one all the way thru no matter how much I wanted to stab my fucking ears out and tie my balls and neck up and hang myself to death in a closet.

The reviews below are not in order of suck, they are in order they were listened to. Links are provided to the podcasts that are worth a shit, the rest can go fuck themselves and you shouldn’t bother.

Review: Declarations of War (Noir.)

Boring. Intro music was faggoty standard issue EVE podcast bullshit. You make even your good fights sound boring. It is more entertaining to look at your KB and just imagine how it happened cause when you guys describe it makes me glad I wasn’t there. Also stop playing background music OVER FUCKING EVERYTHING. Turn on some good quality talk radio, some NPR or something fade that shit out and let the voices shine through. Some of you guys sound all timid and shit on the mic too which I can’t understand for 10+ episodes. Overall this shit sucked and bored me to death. Best part was deleting the files from my MP3 player.

Summary: Waste of time and bandwidth. Don’t listen to it unless you’re a Noir. fanboi or in the corp and are just looking to jerk each other off and rub it on your nipples because this isn’t entertaining for the outsider at all. Not Recommended.

Review: The Planet Risk Show

Mildly entertaining when compared to some others in the list, but when compared to the BOZOKast, this thing sucked shit. A bit better intro, but then it went down hill with some technoish faggy shit. They also decided to do the lets play fucking music for ever to distract you from how poor the podcast actually is. There is a reason I turn off the environment fucking sounds when I play EVE, I don’t want it in my podcasts! Fade it in and out! Their description of encounters were better than some, but you’ll want to stop listening after 20 minutes of this shit.

Summary: Turn this in to 15-30 minute max podcast and it won’t suck as much shit because if you troll through the 3-hours of suicide educing drivel you’ll maybe pick up 30 minutes of good content and that is being generous. Not Recommended.

Review: PODDED Podcast

Intro was good. They do the background effects properly; Other shows please listen to how and when they fade it in and out and then copy them so you can do it properly you fucking assholes. The content itself is mostly work safe so for the most part I found it mildly entertaining at best, but they move quickly from topic to topic at a pace that keeps me from hitting the [X] even without the quantity of poop, mom, and cock jokes I’d like to hear. The accuracy of the content for the most part is good and I didn’t want to razor blade my asshole after listening.

Summary: Well put together, good quality, and well edited. Not my cup of tea, but this is a BOZO approved podcast. Recommended.

Listen Here.

Review: Missions Collide

Intro was short and good. They plugged some $$$ making sponsor shit, I like that even if the hosting company they promote is shit. For carebears this was actually more entertaining that the sorry excuse for a podcast of some of the others I listened to. They made their ISK making, PvP attempts, and carebearing exploits sound interesting. They spent just enough time on each topic without lingering too much. Much like PODDED it was a little too tame for my taste and I felt like it was in lack of some good ol’ fashion smack.

Summary: I would call it boring, but not shit like Drone Bay or the Noir podcast. I can deal with boring because it just means their subject matter isn’t relating to me. The British guy is better than the EDIT: Canadian prick. Recommended w/ Reservations.

Listen Here.

Review: Warp Drive Active

They haven’t done a new one in a while (as of this blog post), but I still included them cause they did a lot of them. Usually shitty intros. Another one who really violates the music playing the whole fucking time they talk, fucking awful. Also the content is just COAD and the News and Dev blog RSS recorded in annoying voices. They aren’t funny and their jokes are boring and dry whether you’re from the US or a limey from the UK. Maybe it is a good thing they haven’t done one in a while cause they are shit.

Summary: Don’t waste your time. You’d be better off playing techno while you rape your sister. Not Recommended.

Review: Fly Reckless

I am really tired of these fucking podcasts and typing this blog post by now. So I’ll make these last few quick. I this one is OK … like fucking a fat ugly chick, I mean you’re still getting fucked right? Not super annoying. Doesn’t suck shit out of my asshole like the Noir podcast or WDA. Looking forward to WTFFTW.

Summary: Good enough to not make you kill yourself and listen again. Recommended w/ Reservations.

Listen Here.

Review: The Drone Bay

This thing is straight fucking garbage. Boring circle jerking by people who aren’t even awesome. I hope they all pile in to a van and get killed in car crash.

Summary: Save yourself from a early death via suicide, skip this worthless pile of shit. Not Recommended!

Review: MicroWarp: Cast (It’s dead, but we hate CrazyKinux)

Hosted by a giant faggot. His Canadian accent on radio makes you want smack yourself in the face with a hammer. The content is dry, boring, and uninteresting. It will also take anything that had potential to be interesting and turn it in to useless pile of shit. It is a couple years out of date now, but the site for it is still up so I wanted to slam it just because it sucks so hard. I’m glad this piece of shit failed and only did three episodes.

Summary: This type of awful pile of shit is the reason the BOZOKast exists. To make up for extra shit suck this causes the internet my making it more awesome! Oh right, Not Recommended!

I thought it would be interesting, if not entertaining, to delve into the world of EvE Bloggers. There’s this guy, Crazykinux (possibly better known for putting people to sleep with his podcast “Drone Bay Active” or some such bullshit), who is really into this blogging thing and apparently has a monthly ‘EvE Blog Banter‘ where some question or topic is posed and people with blogs write about it. Kind of lame stuff, I admit, but this month, there are prizes! Truth be told, I’m an accomplished swag whore and I want that fucking EvE bottle opener key chain.

This months topic on the EvE Blog Banter is:

Which game mechanic would you most like to see removed completely from EVE and why?

An intriguing question, no doubt. I have briefly perused some responses made by people linked on Crazy’s blog.  I am not overly impressed.

“REMOVE PUBLIC CONTRACTS IN ORDER TO REMOVE SCAMMING” (Caps make it a stronger argument)

This one comes from a former BOZO member who apparently has spent too much time in a wormhole. I like the idea of a game where you can get scammed. It’s funny when I hear about assholes who do stupid shit, and if you get scammed in a contract, you are an asshole that did stupid shit. We shouldn’t be protecting assholes who do stupid shit. They should be exploited and punished, otherwise they just keep being assholes and keep doing stupid shit.

“Insurance payouts for losses to CONCORD limited to 10% of normal payout value.”

You’ve got to be kidding me…with everything that is fucked in this game, this douchnozzle is worried about insurance payouts to dipshits who get Concorded? I don’t even know how to address this completely retarded suggestion. And if you want to stick the rules, this isn’t even a removal of a game mechanic, it’s just a change to a current system. A very lame, weak and pointless change.

“Please remove everything in EVE and set us on a journey of a lifetime!”

I don’t even know what this means, but I’m pretty sure this guy has had a penis in his mouth at least twice in his life. It’s a game, not a fucking Carnival Cruise dipshit. Go choke yourself.

With competition like that, I should be a shoo-in for that sweet fuckin’ key chain. I thought for a whole 47 seconds on what I would remove from EvE and I came up with three systems I would get rid of:

Remove Missions: If you like to run missions, over and over, either go play WoW or shoot yourself in the head. Either would suffice. You have something seriously wrong with you. The mission system in this game only encourages people who I will probably never get a chance to shoot in the face to perpetually log in, take up server resources and spread faggotry around the game I love.

Remove player list in local chat: Once the missions are deleted, the “I love repetitive shit” type mission runners will need new repetitive shit to do. I would think that a bulk of them would move out to low-sec or 0.0 to rat. Once there, they will be unable to see me and my fellow BOZOs warping to their belt with our dicks out in preparation of raping his mouth if he couldn’t see us in local. Ratters have had it way to easy. Much of EvE is based on Reward vs. Risk, and if you have have a brain, it’s pretty risk free ratting in 0.0 with the current local chat set up. I think the risk should be elevated a bit.

Remove the ‘Harassment’ section of the petition system: You can only be harassed in this game if you want to be harassed. That is unless you use petition someone for harassment, then you are not only being harassed by a player, but by the fucktard GMs of CCP as well. It’s common practice now to petition every little thing an opponent might say or do to you when you can’t beat them in a fight. Myself and many of my brother and sister BOZOs have been victims of such faggoty tactics. So a BOZO told you that he was going to cut your mom’s vagina off, frame it and stick it on his wall? Who gives a shit. That’s what the fucking ‘Block’ option is for.

So, in summary: Most EvE blogs suck, punish missioners, punish ratters and stop punishing BOZO with lame petitions. Oh, and gimme that god damn key chain!

The rules of the game require me to post this:

Welcome to the ninth installment of the EVE Blog Banter and its first contest, the monthly EVE Online blogging extravaganza created by CrazyKinux. The EVE Blog Banter involves an enthusiastic group of gaming bloggers, a common topic within the realm of EVE Online, and a week to post articles pertaining to the said topic. The resulting articles can either be short or quite extensive, either funny or dead serious, but are always a great fun to read! Any questions about the EVE Blog Banter should be directed here. Check out other EVE Blog Banter articles at the bottom of this post!
Last month Ga’len asked us which game mechanic we would most like to see added to EVE. This month Keith “WebMandrill” Nielson proposes to reverse the question and ask what may be a controversial question: Which game mechanic would you most like to see removed completely from EVE and why? I can see this getting quite heated so lets keep it civil eh?

1. Diary of a Space Jockey, Blog Banter: BE GONE!
2. EVE Newb, (EVE) Remove You
3. Miner With Fangs, Blog Banter – It’s the Scotch
4. The Eden Explorer, Blog Banter: The Map! The Map!
5. The Wandering Druid of Tranquility, “Beacons, beacons, beacons, beacons, beacons, mushroom, MUSHROOM!!!”
6. Inner Sanctum of the Ninveah, Kill the Rats
7. Mercspector @ EVE, Scotty
8. EVE’s Weekend Warrior, EVE Blog Banter #9
9. Miner with Fangs, Blog Banter – It’s the Scotch
10. A Merry Life and a Short One, Eve Blog Banter #9: Why Won’t You Die?
11. Into the unknown with gun and camera, Blog Banter – The Hokey Cokey
12. The Flightless Geek, EVE Blog Banter #9: Remove a Game Mechanic
13. Sweet Little Bad Girl, Blog Banter 9: Who is Nibbling at My House?
14. One Man and His Spaceship, Blog Banter 9: What could you do without?
15. Life in Low Sec, EVE Blog Banter #9: Stop Tarnishing My Halo
16. Cle Demaari: Citizen, Blog Banter #9: Training for all my men!
17. A Mule in EVE, He who giveth, also taketh away?

Now, before I get all sorts of hate mail from all you dude smoochin’ pee-pee touchers out there, I reserve the right to use the word faggot. I use it a great many ways, none of which necessarily means you like a cock in your mouth. Myself and my other BOZOs use it with relish and zeal, not intending to oppress the gay homosexual penis lover population. It just means you’re some type of douchebag.

But I digress.

This post is actually for the faggots that we see, day after day, in Syndicate. You know the ones I’m talking about, and there’s a pretty good chance you are the ones I’m talking about. The cowards, the knee biters, the marathoners and the big talkers that constantly run and dock up when BOZO is around.

I like to think of myself as a helpful kind of person and being a helpful kind of person I have come up with a list of ways to not be a faggot.

I will never understand how any FC would run from an enemy when they have superior numbers. Many times, countless really, we’ve come close to engagements with hostiles knowing full well we were outnumbered only to have them run. If you and your buddies have went to the trouble of getting a fleet together, why the fuck not use it? I equate this to a construction site that has hired illegal aliens. One INS agent roles up to the site and the workers run like hell when it would have been very easy for them to gank the fuck out of the agent.

Case in point: We were in 4C-B7X today. This is the docking grounds of the Vanguard alliance. You may remember these cock gobblers from petting for such alliances as IAC and Foundation (interesting note: every allaince they’ve petted for has failed…coincidence or did they infect those alliances with their massive amounts of suck?)

We were scouted before arriving in the system and the brave Vanguarders undocked a raven, drake and onyx on the station. They were stupid enough to agress our scout, we jumped in and killed their onyx. We were in their system and they had over 30 pilots to my 10 man gang. The raven started the tried and true fagot maneuver of dock/undock once his shields went below 75%. While the raven was doing that, the rest of his cohorts began to tell us what a bunch of pussies we were. While they were docked. In a station. Wheird.

The point is: Don’t play station games because only fagots play station games.

There’s really no better way to come out of the closet and announce to the world you like to guzzle man-juice than to come to our system, call us out to fight, then run like bitches. I can’t even get my head wrapped around that. What kind of limp dicked bitch does that? A2N…that’s who. They come to ‘camp us in’ and run when we undock. I’m sorry, I thought you wanted to fight.

I utilize people’s biographies to identify would be faggot. I just ran across one today that marks this guy quite well. This is the bio of mdk kill (the name, in itself, is fag incarnate…), an A2N coward that has a lot of skill at whoring onto kill mails. He’s usually last to arrive at a fight and first to leave if there’s even a hint of defeat in the air. He left us an open letter:

Dear Clown Punchers,
I want to thank you for our most recent engagements. You have truly helped my killing efficiency. While I dont understand your tactics to jam our guns with your wrecks, I applaud your efforts.
However, I would like you to consider using better ships as I am trying to raise my ISK efficiently over 95%
Thanks in advance for your kind consideration.

Regards
MDK Kill

It’s obvious he’s in it for himself. Fuck it that his alliance has a 20% efficiency, fuck it that his alliance looks like a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football whenever we’re around. As long as his personal stats look good, he’s awesome..even though he never sticks it out in a fight. I thank you mdk kill for your bio of faggotness. It keeps you marked appropriately to all who see it.

More Bio hints in Foxworthy format:
-If you have rat damage types/resists in your bio…you’re a faggot
-If you have humorous quotes that aren’t remotely humorous…you’re a faggot
-If you quote yourself…you’re a faggot
-If you post a damage notification in your bio…you’re a faggot
-If you post a damage notification versus a rat in your bio…you’re a double faggot
-If you have ascii in your bio…it better be original or you’re a faggot

There you have it! A few sure fired ways to decrease your faggot quotient exponentially!

Even now he is desperately looking for ways to escape his responsibility for what’s happening. Pushing the blame onto others, groveling on his knees begging for outside assistance. Spreading lies and withholding the truth from the members of his alliance and others in order to protect his overly sensitive ego.

Attempting to gain outside help so he can sit behind the action, throwing insults and boasting, just as he’s been doing to those within in very own alliance. Your ships explode while he sits in the safety of a station, he continues to lie to you while you pay the price for his actions and insults.

We offered you our assistance in the beginning, we were willing to teach your pilots the skills they need to survive in 0.0 along with our offers of protection. And all we asked for in return for a very nominal fee, very nominal. But Dunbar spat in our faces and threw a temper tantrum, then he insulted us, repeatedly. Because of this we were unfortunately forced to take appropriate action. Even in the beginning we continued to repeatedly extend offers to find a solution to end this before it got ugly. Dunbar refused without even taking a moment to consider his own alliance, the pilots that are now having to pay for Dunbars actions.

You’re paying the costs of defending your POS’s. You’re paying the price to replace your ships. This is costing you isk, yet another expense that the hard working miners and mission runners of Chaotic Evolution are forced to pay for. And for what? A small area in 0.0 that Dunbar seems fixated on? Where is Dunbar and why isn’t he leading you?

If you are in a corp/alliance who doesn’t do regular after action reports, your corp/alliance sucks balls. I am going to share a very good AAR one of my pilots did for us. Use this as an example of how to do one.

FC : Me
Scout : Me

Kills : Retriever, Hulk, Kestrel, Catalyst http://eatabagofdicks.net/?a=kill_related&kll_id=18297

Now normally I wouldn’t be consider this for an AAR but tbh this is too window lickin good not to tell a nice story, here goes..

After some boredom in and around 5-F I go looking for trouble in the pockets, I hop into a rapier and head to grnj to setup some bookmarks and see whats about, after setting up a gate tactical I go afk in a ss for some drink, come back and see 2 badger II on scan, oooh gonna check out those babies, I should make you aware i’ve been in system for about 10-15 mins now.

I Warp to station to see the badger II’s dock up, I start to make another SS around station when the badger II’s undock, they seem to warp straight up and when I rescan there is a broadsword on scan now also, I keep heading down making my tactical and badgers return, at this point a retriever and hulk undock which really perks my attention up, they also head up towards the broadswords direction, I narrow the scan, serp wrecks and nothing nearby, hit the ship scanner and boom, anomaly 1.8au away, warp drive active, here we go..

Arriving on the anomaly the retriever is 36km from me and the hulk 50+ the broadsword is 30km and inbetween both of the barges, still cloaked I head towards the retriever and decloak when i hit 25km, I start to point the retriever and dual web the hic to keep any webs or scram he might have at bay and head towards the hulk, at this point the hic fires up his bubble and the retriever still isnt moving so i drop point on the t1 barge and swap a web to him as the hic has the point on him, he pops with me still 35km from the hulk, which still isn’t moving, at this point they warp in a raven, moa and kestrel the kessie and moa are in close (22km and 9km) and the raven 80km off so i keep going for the barge and switch webs to the kessie, the moa warps off and return at 70km finally in range of the hulk (which STILL isn’t moving) so open all guns and drones on him whilst keeping distance on the kestrel and broadsword, hulk dies like a bitch and i switch drones to the kessie, I’m now at 60% shields so looking to get out, I see a can several km from the raven, hoping he was ratting setup I bmk the can and warp out and back, alas all ships were gone I bmk the barge wrecks and warp back and scoop loot.

A little bit of pisstaking from me and them whining like little emo carebear bitches ensued, how shit we must be to attack unarmed ships etc etc blah blah boo hoo, fuck em. I see a catalyst on scan so I warp back 10km from the barge wrecks and low and behold in he warps like the naive little carebear fuck he is, 1 decloak and 2 volleys later he gets popped like a bitch and I laugh at them some more, they then send in a nanovigil but he’s to quick for me to lock so I ss up and goto bed..

Addition…

Come back from work and find a Crane at a pos, warp to it, and its anchoring guns but inside the tower, i make my presence known to him by decloaking and in comes a taranis which won’t engage, 10 mins later a BB warps 50km off of the tower and stays still, OMG ITS A TARP!!!!

http://eatabagofdicks.net/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=18309

Just not a good one but he did pop my drones (didnt expect the smartie tbh)

In warps an onyx, I pod the BB pilot and I make my escape \o/

So moral of this story is ummm. dumbfucks mining in 0.0 is always funny, alligning is for losers anyway and justification that the guy killing you sucks because he killed unarmed ships rocks and lowslots on barges are so 2008..

Also caldari jammers for minmatar ships are the new way forward and although they nerfed the ecm range, 15km isnt a good optimal for a BB..

I miss my drones

Babbling done..
Fumb out..

As some of you already know, Clown Punchers Syndicate is departing Curse to seek adventure (and people who don’t run as soon as they see the BOZO ticker in local) elsewhere. Curse has been our home from the beginning, so we knew we had to pay homage to the region that’s brought us so much beautiful loot and cannonfodder.

What can I say about a fleet of haulers and noobships? It certainly shouldn’t last very long in the cut-throat world of 0.0. There aren’t enough mid-slots to go around, not to mention the obvious lack of firepower. Surely a mere 22-man fleet with this composition should be wiped out so fast they have to wipe up afterwards.

So why, my dear readers, should a fleet consisting of two Badger Mark IIs, three Reapers, two Mammoths, a Wreathe, an Iteron Mark V, and a metric assload of Velators even consider undocking? What fevered dream of a madman is this? What kind of crazy, homeless, crack-addicted, balding, peg-legged, incontinent hooker could even conceive of such a notion?

I’ll tell you what kind. The kind that flies with BOZO.

The results of our massive cojones speak for themselves. Just one jump from our home system, a heedless Nighthawk was ratting without regard to who was in local or what kind of STD they might contract from being anally raped. Yes, Khan Rean really dropped the soap on this one, as our fleet of rookie-industrial glory warped in. The progress was slow, because Khan wouldn’t stop repping when we asked him. Rather rude, I should say. But his Nighthawk inevitably succumbed to our autocannons and blasters, just as his body will now succumb to the ravages of BOZO AIDS.

Before we could even finish pleasuring ourselves, we were treated to some smack from the now-shipless Nighthawk pilot, including this indecipherable tidbit:

Khan Rean > now i get yourself on the nerve

Someone set us up the bomb!

Not far away, Dalv Filteo of Ushra’Khan showed his love by giving us his Claw while trying to get a few noobship kills. We love you, Dalv! You’ll be happy to know, as a former ally, you are immune to BOZO AIDS. However, The Clown Clap is quite aggressive.

Anyway, we decided to challenge ourselves to top the Nighthawk kill, so off we went. In D87E-A, Rebellion Alliance showed us just how much they respect and fear us by bringing three Crows, a Curse, three Drakes, a Falcon, a Malediction, a Retribution, a Scimitar, a Vexor, and two Zealots to challenge our rookie-industrial fleet. We lost a couple of ships, but since they cost us nothing to begin with, we weren’t deterred.

Oh Rebellion, we never knew you felt that way! Why didn’t you say something sooner!? Now we’re shipping off, and we may never come back! If we don’t see you again… thanks for making yourselves available so many times. You should probably get tested if you notice any large, painful warts on your genitals that honk when you squeeze them.

Proceeding into HED-GP, we found a few Triple-A ships, and their Curse pilot was just stupid enough to think he could take on a fleet of BOZOs alone, even in noobships. After we castrated and dispatched him, and left the scene, they had this to say:

Monseniur Khatshatou > where’s the action?
Jatu > where
Jel Malar > Ask the curse pilot
Nkalv > my misstake i thougth we jsut where there and killed a curse of yourse
Quebnaric Deile > you can kill all of us and it doesn’t cover your curse, lol
Teister > lol
Tolarus > lol
Tolarus > youve already lost the fight

We proceeded on our way, but in 36N-HZ, we met our demise. Evidently, Triple-A really wanted to avenge their special-needs pilot. We must’ve ruined his birthday, and you know how hard it is to get a fully-grown retard to stop crying and punching holes in the wall. They brought about thirty ships into the system to destroy our rookie-industrial fleet, but unfortunately the battle summary only reflects a portion. Suffice it to say, there were a lot of Drakes, as our noobships obviously called for heavy tank in response. We attempted to get one of their Sabres, but he was as slippery as an eleven-year-old girl’s vagina at a Jonas Brothers concert. In the end, Triple-A saved us the trouble of flying all the way back to Hemin by podding most of us.

And thus, our reign of terror in Curse comes to a close. As the final curtain descends on this non-stop orgy of death, destruction, corpse-raping, and enemies handing us free ships by premature ejectulation, I’d like to thank our many, many adversaries. Though few (if any) of you were actually worthy, your incessant stupidity and endless petitions only contributed to our love of PVP, and reinforced our devotion to Clown Punchers by showing us just how bad it is in other corporations.

Farewell, Curse. You may now resume your normal carebear operations.

Like most alliances of this type, the only thing they have going for them are numbers, and even then it is questionable that they are capable of winning a fight. So as their killboard will show, they have and will continue to be victimized by groups in the area for stat padding.

So Friday evening we decide to take a small group down the pipe to where burnt soil huddles for protection. These asshats are so worried about BOZO that they’ve staged a scout in Hemin, and yet another in the EIN pipe to watch if anything scary approaches. We see their scout and tell them where we are going several jumps in advance.

As we enter YI our scout reports 6 Burnt Soil battleships in 1L. So we laugh and send our scout to FQQ to get the rest of their fleet and sure enough the other 14 are piled on the 1L gate. So we decide to go for it and attack the BS’s. LOL so the fight begins and SE jumps the rest of their fleet in pretty much in a complete cluster fuck, but this it scorched earth we are talking about here so this isnt any kind of major discovery. Fight continues for a few minutes as we continue to pick off ships. From comms it sounds like the FC for burnt soil is having a very hard time deciding which targets to call as they continuously switch BOZO primary’s. With the fleet they hard they should have pulled a much higher efficiency. Battle Summary

So we head back to Hemin and decide to pay them another visit. We mount up in BC’s and head back to ‘Dawsons Creek’. Again, we encounter one of their scout several jumps out and info him where we are going. We enter 1L and are disappointed but not entirely shocked to see it empty. Scout reports F-QQ clear. Scout enters 4-E, ahh there they are all bunched up on the F-QQ gate, 31 ships, ten of which are battleships. They have numbers and are heavy so they should fight us. We jump in and start calling targets, Scorpion melts sense he feels he needed to be within 15m of the gate. Boom, lol as predicted they pop a cyno but instead on one carrier, they had to bring 6. Shit that was too funny and predictable. Battle Summary Wooo! they have one a single battle against BOZO, all hell must have broken loose on their comms like bus load of children accidentally breaking down in front of a house full of pedophiles.

They have been searching desperately to find a way to fight us effectively, which beyond already out numbering us, now includes the use of heavy capital ship support while still showing mediocre performance. We, like many who know you, laugh at you.

Now it must seem to Scorched Earth that they’ve won some kind of major victory against BOZO, based on the anonymous comments on our killboard, cowardly as predictable. Its one fight they’ve managed to pull anywhere close to big win against us. Please continue to liberally use those precious carriers on jump gates, its a great tactic and nothing could possible go wrong.. could it?

Our fifteen-man battlecruiser fleet heads out on the never-ending search for Face-Raping, complete with our Scorched Earth Rifter Escort, who probably thinks he’s leading us into the maw of our untimely demise. We make some half-assed attempts to catch the guy (Ashen Darksabre, whose hobbies include sipping clamato out of brandy snifters and cutting himself to Papa Roach albums), but his hull is slick with the viscous seed of other men, and he eludes us. Hopefully he realized we were already heading toward Wicked Creek without his help when I (the scout) passed him.

Upon entering F-QQ5N, I find an eighteen-man Scorched Earth gang ammassed on the gate. Their bubbling amuses me as I decloak well out of the warp disruption zone and wander away, unmolested. The buffet of ships includes a Nidhoggur and a Nighthawk, which immediately tighten the pants of many a BOZO. For now, our Rifter pilot, who is probably pleasuring himself with hot wax and a hamster at the thought of delivering unwary prey into the waiting hands of his fleet, is nowhere to be found.

A few more Scorched Earth appear in local, and the number finally tops out at 23. Not the worst odds we’ve engaged, by far. Our FC makes the call. We jump in, only to have this totally brand-new, never-before-seen, staggeringly ingenious block of text greet us in Local:

Destrim >

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I try to avoid creaming my panties upon catching sight of this incredibly original and rarely-seen high-sec import.

Begin PVP. We manage to take down a number of ships, and considering how heavy Scorched Earth was rolling, we should’ve been easily decimated. Many of our Drakes escaped unscathed, despite Scorched Earth’s bubbling, neuting, ganking efforts. Battle Summary for F-QQ5N, 05:25 – 05:33.

Speaking of gank, after my Claw was neuted and popped, I found my pod targeted by an Armageddon. Regardless, I managed to motor out of the bubble at a whopping 170 m/s and warp away. I hope the stupidity of targeting a pod when there are still battlecruisers trying to teabag you, not to mention the incredible impotence of failing to actually POP said capsule, is not lost on my dear readers.

More hilarity in Local at the end of the fight:

Hatch > gf
Minmarius > gf
DeAngelica > gf
Ashen Darksabre > untarget m!

Apparently our wayward Rifter pilot jumped into what was previously the fray a bit late, and found himself targeted by his own corpmates. Wouldn’t want to actually be IN the fight, would we? Perhaps he was supposed to be on the field, assisting with tackle, instead of rubbing one out at the thought of finally being permitted to use the kneepads when orally satisfying his FC. Or perhaps Scorched Earth just uses the default overview settings – another fine high-sec import. It’s been a good year.

I’m still amused by the number of enemies we have who feel they need command/capital ships to defeat us, even when they already outnumber us. Scorched Earth runs at the sight of a BOZO gang with numbers equal to its own, although we’ve done them the courtesy of intentionally entering dead-end systems and waiting for them to assemble a bigger fleet, just to get a fight out of them. What can I say? It’s hard to PVP with people who run away from you. We have to make ourselves look creamy and supple, like an eight-year-old’s thigh, to entice a battle.

I look forward to our next engagement with Scorched Earth. Their cowardice and general ineptness always manage to brighten my day.

Ok I know its Xmas so I’ll tone this down a little. Plus I’m on my way to a good drunk, I’m tired and hungry so I dont feel like writing a bunch of bullshit.

Never fails, at least once a week we hear something like this in local

[07:27:41] Quesa > 2:1 is what it takes, I feel good about that

LOL!

ok so what is it with 90% of these pilots we run into in 0.0? Why is it always “Waaa you have more ships than we do!” after you beat the shit out of them? Fuck, are you serious?!

Here is a prime example of what I’m talking about, This was Atlas Alliance from two days ago.  http://www.eatabagofdicks.net/?a=kill_related&kll_id=9743

Remember this Quesa? Sure you do you were there asshole. All that bullshit on us and we still pulled a 60% efficiency out of it. Not a single comment in local about being out numbered. Why? Because we know how The PvP works and we pretty much end up fighting out numbered most of the time anyway. But no one got emotional about it. Hey Quesa, we feel good about that (fight).

Then last night we jump six, (5 Atlas /1 White Core) in VOL and we ended up with this http://www.eatabagofdicks.net/?a=kill_related&kll_id=799

The funny about this is, we jumped in our Onyx from K-B and they didnt seem to have much of a problem attacking him 6:1. But when the rest of our gang jumped in, all hell broke lose and they scattered, well most of them. And then Quesa decided to run his mouth in local. Don’t see his name on the battle summary so he must have been one of the first to run.

Nothing wrong avoiding a bigger fleet, but crying about getting caught? Never in all of EvE will you ever hear a more moronic statement than someone playing the numbers card when they get beat. LOL yeah man, sure, we fear you so much that we will only fight you when we outnumber you 50:1. You want odds like that go look up CVA alliance

So pilots we end up beating in The PvP most of the time its either a full blown crying session in local or like this asshat, making some fucking glib remark in local, like we somehow had this shit planned weeks in advance to make sure we had more than they did at that precise moment.

Seriously, stop fucking crying already, its The PvP. So I’ll tell you the same thing I did those asshats in Black Plague. Would you like for us to contact you ahead of time prior to jumping into local to insure that we do not have more internet spaceships in our gang than you have in yours? Would you like for us to tell some of our pilots that they cant The PvP because it is going to make you upset if ‘more’ show up than you were wanting?

So whats next, “You (insert one or more) had better tactics, had more T2 ships, had more DPS, had more drones, had too much ECM, had the sun at your backs”?

Merry XMas, I hope you asked santa for a box of tissue

I’d like to know why it is that CCP has to spend so much time and money paying GM’s to handle petitions from players who claim they were so tragically offended by words in local when theres a Block Player option available to anyone who can click a goddamn right mouse button. I could have sworn that when I first started playing EVE that there was a language filter option that you had the choice to leave active or not. But I cant remember what I did last month so… I dunno.

So where was I, ah the Dirt Nap EULA Griefers. So it would seem to most people that in a game as harsh as EVE, especially when it comes to PvP and player killing, a game that encourages players to use (in game) drugs, the trading of alcohol, tobacco, strippers, and slaves, that the option to block a players comments that some of the more ’sensitive players’ would find offensive is a logical option for those players to take. And did anyone notice the TEEN rating for EvE Online?

Titles rated T (Teen) have content that may be suitable for ages 13 and older. Titles in this category may contain violence, suggestive themes, crude humor, minimal blood, simulated gambling, and/or infrequent use of strong language

I believe that a vast majority of petitions that are filed under ‘harassment’ are by players who are not offended but who are abusing the system to their advantage as a form of griefing while having some GM unwittingly assists them with it.
Case in point… EULA Griefing 101

[ 2008.10.19 06:40:36 ] Teister > interweb spaceships are serious fuckin’ business
[ 2008.10.19 06:40:45 ] B > dont swear pl
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:01 ] Teister > no swearing?
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:00 ] B > shotty trit
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:11 ] B > its against eula plz dont
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:24 ] Teister > and it isn’t against the eula
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:30 ] B > read it
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:38 ] Teister > i did… i fuckin’ wrote it
[ 2008.10.19 06:41:49 ] B > there now i have sufficient text to petition you
[ 2008.10.19 06:42:08 ] Teister > you did?
[ 2008.10.19 06:45:00 ] B > add me to fiends list plz A!! i am adding you
[ 2008.10.19 06:45:13 ] B > i wanna know what you do once ur suspension is over
[ 2008.10.19 06:46:22 ] Teister > you think i’ll get suspended?
[ 2008.10.19 06:46:34 ] B > yes… ive gotten ppl suspended for less actually
[ 2008.10.19 07:00:23 ] B > $5 says Teister goes offline in 10
[ 2008.10.19 07:00:47 ] B > we have 2 responses from our petitions already

1. You may not abuse, harass or threaten another player or authorized representative of CCP, including customer service personnel and volunteers. This includes, but is not limited to: petitioning with false information in an attempt to gain from it or have someone else suffer from it; sending excessive e-mails, EVE-mails or petitions; obstructing CCP Employees from doing their jobs; refusal to follow the instructions of a CCP Employee; or implying favoritism by a CCP Employee

18. You may not publish private communications from CCP, their agents or representatives or EVE Online volunteers without authorization.

Now Im not hip to all the latest south London Cockney insults, but I bet someone could take offense to being called a “Shotty Trit”. Well two can play at that game you currish unchin-snouted gudgeon… toodle pip ya bloody cunt!

Also my understanding of the EULA is that your not allowed to discuss any petition related information and use it to make threats. Bragging about getting people banned also falls under the rules you dumb shit.

Plus you placed an open bet of $5 USD, thats real world currency son, which I’m sure not only violates some part of the EULA but several real world laws regarding online gambling and betting. Starting to see how stupid this bullshit can get? We done yet douche bag? Oh, no wait, theres more…

And ‘B’ if your such an anal retentive righteous pillar in the community for being an upstanding moral high ground kind of a guy, well maybe EvE Online isnt the game for you. I hear theres a nice little christian mmorpg out there where you can save souls, burn people who have potty mouths or who are different from you, and yes ‘B’ you can even burn books that teach ‘questionable’ thought. Should be right up your alley.

I can understand it if someone is making ‘real life threats’ against another player or that ‘personal attacks’ persist over a period of time, any type of rasist bullshit, or posting links to some image of a fat japanese woman using a bath tub for something ‘other than’ what it was intended for. I fully support taking action against that kind of crap, thats one of the many reasons there needs to be a EULA. But having to take the time and effort against a player because someone said a dirty word in local seems like a waste of time and money for CCP when the individual players have the ability to block it.

I’ve read some posts with suggestions about adding an optional language filter to EVE. That might be a great idea there, it would keep everyone happy and cut down on about 80% of the workload on the CCP GM’s so they can have more time to focus on real issues that affect players and not the “But he said a naughty word” or “someone said very mean and hurtful things in local about my space ship today” petitions. Plus it would completely eradicate EULA griefing.

So stop pretending to cry anytime someone who beats you in a fight earlier, says ‘poop’ in local. Throwing some smack talk around happens, and to be honest with you, we generally don’t initiate it as a common practice. We’ve been around long enough to know who the real douche bag pilots, corps, and alliances are in EvE. Heard enough bullshit from them that they’re pretty much permanently labeled on the asshats list, so we’re far from reluctant to call them out in local. Like that petty bullshit you tried to pull in Jorund, heh congratulations, you made the list.

*Disclaimer: No offense directed towards anyone who may have difficulty clicking the right mouse button due to any physical disabilities, anyone who may have any neurological afflictions that cause their skin to be extra sensitive to pressure, sunlight, rag weed, or laundry detergents, anyone who may be suffering from mental or emotional illnesses such as but not limited to, depression, malingering, anxiety, bipolar disorder and/or Munchausen biproxy.

/fuck
~Tolarus~